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Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 March 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 05 March 2018

Received from a Mother of 7 Children

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. 'Five tickets, please,' the father said. 'Two round trip, three one way.'

Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

My dog barks all the...

“My dog barks all the time. That is my pet hate.”

#joke #short #animal #dog #pet
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

The art-supply store sold arti...

The art-supply store sold artists' canvas by the yard. It came in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Clerk: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

The best 2018 Oscars jokes

“Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home”
Gary Oldman paid tribute to his 98-year-old mother in his acceptance speech for best actor, telling her: “Thank you for your love and your support. Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home.”

Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani, were joking about being actors with unpronouncable names. Nanjiani explained that his real name was Chris Pine. “You can imagine how annoyed I was when the white Chris Pine showed up,” he said.

Let's not have THAT again this year
"This year when you hear your name called, don't get up right away. Give us a minute, we don't want another thing. What happened last year was unfortunate.""

"The Shape of Water"
"We will remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish."

Get a clue Hollywood

"Here's how clueless Hollywood is about women. We made a movie called 'What Women Want' and it starred Mel Gibson. That's all you need to know."

Not all about the money "In fact, of the nine best picture nominees only two made more than $100 million. But that's not the point. We don't make films like 'Call Me By Your Name' for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence."

#joke #animal #fish #mother
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

Blondes Change A Lightbulb

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 January 2016
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

#joke #animal #bunny #bird #bee #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 March 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Three old men

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

#joke #animal #horse #cow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 March 2017
  • Currently 8.67/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (58)

Bill Burr: What Cubicles Say

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, You know what? We dont think youre smart enough for an office, but we dont want you to look at anybody.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 March 2012
  • Currently 5.41/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (51)

Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe

I have this thing that I do called Mysteries of the Universe, when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 March 2010
  • Currently 2.66/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (50)

I Dare You

At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 March 2011
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (43)

Pope has email

The Vatican has unveiled a email address for the new Pope.

In related news, the Pope has received a confidential financial offer from the President of Nigeria.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 March 2011
  • Currently 5.94/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (35)

Baseball is a team effort

Baseball is a team effort. Especially the bullpen. Everyone has to pitch inning.
#joke #short #sport #baseball
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

Miranda likes to sing, and whe...

Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her husband heads outside.
Hurt, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"
"Of course, dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 October 2015
  • Currently 8.90/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (21)

Not Afraid

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 May 2015
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (14)

In 3030 years

In exactly 3030 years, there’s a chance things could be really good, and there’s a chance things could be really bad.

I guess it will be 5050.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

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