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Jokes of the day for Monday, 06 August 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 06 August 2018

Do you have the stones to say this to your wife

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said "Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years."
I said "It's a freaking scarf."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Teacher: Suppose, I give you 2...

Teacher: Suppose, I give you 2 dogs. Then I again give you 2 dogs. How many will you have?
Student: 5.
Teacher: How?
Student: I have a dog in my house now.
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

You know what really...

“You know what really bugs me? Flea Markets.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Good News, Bad News

A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

What A Large Crowd

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
#joke #animal #mule
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Adam was hanging around the Ga...

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be awoman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, andwhen you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had adisagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and p!!!ionwhenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
#joke #animal #bear #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 24 July 2017
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

A bowl of soup...

Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.

When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."

There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."

Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

#joke #animal #pig #food #soup #sport #hunting
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 August 2015
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

A passenger in a taxi leaned o...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 August 2013
  • Currently 8.86/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (57)

Golf in Heaven

Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven.

The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.

"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.

"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!

#joke #sport #golf #golfer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 August 2011
  • Currently 8.05/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (40)

Three Vampires Go To A Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 August 2011
  • Currently 5.81/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (36)

Michael Ian Black: Ambien Racing Game

Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 August 2011
  • Currently 4.70/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (30)

Worst reply of a proposal...

Girl: I love you!
Boy: Hmm... And tell me, whats up??
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 August 2011
  • Currently 4.72/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (25)

Brian Posehn: Quitting Meat

Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.
#joke #short #food #meat
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 April 2011
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (59)

A man is at work one day when...

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'
The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
(I always wondered how this trend got started.)
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 October 2017
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse...

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 15 July 2017
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

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