Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Lines

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."   

The first-time father, beside

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his first son, was determined to follow all the rules to a T.
"So tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

“Telling a demolition

“Telling a demolitionist how to do his job is destructive criticism.”

Leaves of the Book

A little boy opened the big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

What my kid asked when he saw

What my kid asked when he saw a Smurf: ‘Daddy, why is this guy blue?'

A man got in a taxi cab to be

A man got in a taxi cab to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn’t sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

A bowl of soup...

Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.

When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."

There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."

Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

 Iowa Crazy Law

It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

Dubuque

Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.

Indianola

The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.

Fort Madison

The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Marshalltown

Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants

Ottumwa

Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

#joke

Diary of a computer lamer

July 18

I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.

July 19

Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 20

I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 21

I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.

July 22

The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.

July 23

What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.

July 24

The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.

July 25

I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 26

I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

July 27

These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

July 28

I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.

July 29

I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.

July 30

I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.

July 31

The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.

August 1

Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.

August 2

I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.

August 3

I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.

August 4

I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.

August 5

I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.

August 6

Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

Black & White & Red

Q: What's black and white and red all over?

A: An embarassed zebra!

New Jersey Governor Chris Chri

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has said that he may run for President, but analysts predict it is much more likely that he will walk.

Personal Ads That Were Probabl

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered
SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.$800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.
SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.
SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theoriesand help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Agemusic, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.ISO compatible F.
SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with orw/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.
SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet womanof similar interests Must be ambidextrous.
DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking yourfriends in closets, We already have three things in common !Let's get together.
DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real innerbeauty. Send latest X-rays.
DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollarRiviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.
SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shownon"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot

Got Nuts?

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......

A visit with Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Manners

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Mike Lawrence: Child of Divorce

I really hate the way I found out about my parents divorce. What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me down, she said, Michael, Im leaving your father, Im going off to marry another man, and Im pregnant. And that was really messed up, cause that should have been three different trips to get ice cream.