Jokes of the day for Friday, 24 August 2018

Three preachers sat discussing...

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

Blonde in a Pet Store

A blonde lady in the pet shop asks about buying a gold fish.
The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium.
Her reply, 'I don't care what sign it is.'

When an escaped pris...

“When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.”

Can We Have a Hanukkah Tree?

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?" "What? No, of course not." says his father. "Why not?" asks the child again.Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."

Blessing....

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Once there was a millionaire w...

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.
During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.
Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic...

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

A blonde is swimming in a rive...

A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "I'm washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.

A housewife with three young c...

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.
She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for...

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

April Fool's Day - Toilet Surprise

Print out a life-size face (this can be anyone-someone in your family, a monster, a celebrity, your victim, or even yourself). Attach it to the underside of the toilet seat facing up. Now close the lid to the toilet. When your victim lifts the lid, they will get a scare!

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several months. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it" he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

A man walks into a bar with hi...

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes, we do!”
“Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”