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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 04 July 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 04 July 2019

Musicians on the rampage

“What is it called when musicians go on the rampage, break into stores and steal things? Luting.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Age Appropriate

When it comes to telling her age, she's shy...
About 10 years shy!!!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 29


Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.)
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.
Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Word at funeral

A man is at his wife’s funeral and a woman asks him if she can say a word.

He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’.

The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.

by Reddit user u/DVPC4

Photo by Rhodi Alers de Lopez on Unsplash

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

Tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said, "Two round trip, three one way."

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (15)

A gynecologist who had lost in...

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.
He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.
"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 August 2016
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (20)

Dear John...

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:

"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 July 2016
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Arj Barker: 4th of July

I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 July 2010
  • Currently 4.06/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (72)

Jesus Is Watching You!

There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.
He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who wassaying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.
"Did you say that?" asked the burgler.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.
"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"
"The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"

#joke #animal #parrot
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 July 2010
  • Currently 7.06/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (53)

Someone Really Stinks


A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 July 2011
  • Currently 4.51/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (51)

Tall grass

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

#joke #short #animal #sheep
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 July 2010
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (41)

Iliza Shlesinger: Bumper Sticker

It said, War Is Not the Answer. I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you dont agree with me, happy Fourth of July.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 July 2012
  • Currently 4.53/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (40)

17 Yoga jokes for International Yoga Day

Jun the 21st is International Yoga Day! Celebrate it with few Yoga jokes!

1. I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am…
I said: I can only do Fridays.

2. I'm trying to write this pun about yoga.
But it's just not working out. It just seems a stretch.

3. What does the yoga teacher want for their birthday?
All they want is your presence.

4. Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?
The omless shelter.

5. Why is the pear so good at yoga?
He's got a great core.

6. What did the yogi tell his dog?
Nama, stay!

7. What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
Nothing. They'll find themself.

8. What's a pirate's least favorite yoga move?
The plank pose.

9. What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?
They both contain stretchers.

10. I did an amazing yoga pose over this stream created from acidic rainfall yesterday.
I think it's called a bridge over troubled water . . .

11. Why is it easy to make an appointment with a yoga teacher?
They're just so flexible.

12. I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys.
It's called "peace of ass".

13. Why did the yogi return the vacuum cleaner?
It came with too many attachments.

14. What happens if you kill a yoga teacher before the start of class?
You get charged with premeditated murder.

15. Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?
They have great flex-ability

16. Why did the yogi refuse anesthetic at the dentist?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!

17. I got chucked out of yoga class yesterday.
Apparently, I misinterpreted the Half-Moon Pose.

#joke #friday #animal #dog #donkey #fruit #pear
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

The End Is Near!

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

#joke #sport #fishing
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 November 2009
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (45)

Celebrity jokes-Hit with a guitar

Q: What do call it when Eric Clapton hits your car with his guitar?
A: A FENDER BENDER!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 December 2011
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

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