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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 18 February 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 18 February 2020

Travel Agent Terms Travel Agent Terms
No extra fees – No extras available.
Bird Watchers Paradise – Your car's paint will never be the same.
Nominal fee – Outrageous charge.
Standard – Sub-standard.
Deluxe – Barely Standard.
Superior accommodations- One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
All the amenities – Two chocolates, two shower caps.
Just Like Home – No Maid service.
Plush – Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
Gentle breezes – In hurricane alley.
Light and airy – No air conditioning.
Picturesque – Theme park nearby.
24-hour bar – Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).
Old world charm – Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
Tropical – Rainy.
Majestic setting – A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
Options galore – Nothing is included in the price.
Secluded hideaway – Directions to locate unclear.
Some budget rooms – Sorry, already occupied.
Explore on your own – At your own expense.
Minutes From ... – By Plane
Romantic – No Phone in room
Knowledgeable trip hosts – They've flown in an airplane before.
#joke

Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

“I was sick of his po

“I was sick of his pointless stories, so I took an anecdote.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #26 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Want Another?

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
“Want another?” asked the bartender.
“I think not,” Descartes replied. Then he disappeared.

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

A woman goes to her doctor who

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is herfirst pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. Shereplies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much willchildbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancyto pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 22


Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 February 2017
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (59)

Translating billboards is a di

Translating billboards is a difficult a sign meant.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 January 2017
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Lost Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 February 2013
  • Currently 7.89/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (56)

A man walking down the street ...

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 February 2011
  • Currently 7.98/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (49)

Pickup truck full of penguins...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 February 2017
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (42)

Brian Regan: One Eye Set Higher

My eye doctor told me this, Im not making this up. He goes, You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye? No, I didnt know that. He goes, Its no big deal; it doesnt affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 February 2012
  • Currently 5.55/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (31)

The Last One's Law Of Program ...

The Last One's Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 February 2009
  • Currently 3.90/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (21)

Seven days to live

Doctor: "I've got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live."

Patient: "What could be worse news than that?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you for the last 6 days."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 September 2013
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (10)

Irish Tradition

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says,

Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”

#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 May 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Three Wishes for Three Priests

Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so.
The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.
St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above."
"Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears.
St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea."
"Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first.
St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful."
"No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?"
St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears.
Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?"
St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 14 August 2009
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (35)

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