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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 19 February 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 19 February 2020

Graphic designers are obsessed

Graphic designers are obsessed with kern events. Especially web designers – they love checking out Britney's css. HTML baby one more time!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

A woman was watching her husba

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #36 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“With all the concern

“With all the concern about plastic waste these days, it is easy to see why clingfilm gets such a bad wrap.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Change in Store

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store...
Clothes, but no cigar.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

A woman goes to her doctor who

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is herfirst pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. Shereplies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much willchildbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancyto pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Long winded

A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you..."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 February 2017
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (19)

Dream

I hope that I live long enough to shoot my age
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 17 February 2014
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

Knock, Knock at the Convent

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 19 February 2010
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (45)

A Greek and Italian were sitti...

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire".

...and so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly,

"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 February 2011
  • Currently 7.75/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (44)

The Hole

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 February 2012
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (37)

Dog Track

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.

At the Dogs (23)


"Your dog called last night."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 February 2014
  • Currently 7.16/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (32)

Jim Gaffigan: Gym Teacher Aspirations

You think when gym teachers are younger, theyre thinking, You know I want to teach, but I dont want to read?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 February 2012
  • Currently 4.70/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (30)

I wasn't originally...

“I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 22 July 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

A little old lady is walking d...

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 June 2016
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

The Sentence

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.

There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 January 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

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