Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 March 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 03 March 2020 |
I'm glad it's not
I'm glad it's not summer. Once, my computer almost exploded in the swell Turing heat.The shipwrecked mariner
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
Making Cars Drive
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 17, 1993
Fort Erie, Ontario, Constable Paul Fletcher told reporters in December that a man armed with a club tried to force a woman to drive him home with her to get money for him, but that when he waited for her to unlock the passenger door from inside, she sped away.
The check-up...
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants!
Moses on His Walkie Talkie
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Once there was a man with an e...
Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.
The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."
For two solid hours, the lady ...
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
The Engineer had just returned
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible."Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
Did you hear about the new com...
Did you hear about the new computer virus?It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!
When someone says to me great minds think alike
When someone says to me great minds think alike, i just look at them and think “You dirty bastard” Offer, Retracted.
A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:
"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off."
A sweet little boy surprised h...
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
