Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 14 October 2020

On the Stand

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

A little girl and a little boy...

A little girl and a little boy were at day-care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband".

One day the teacher decides to

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up apicture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No oneraises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? Whatanimal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes onthis animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Nextshe holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognizedthe animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it'ssomething your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

Fairy tales...

When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"

An Albertan's favourite ...

An Albertan's favourite movie? Tarsand.

When Chuck Norris watches a po...

When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

Hardware Store

Yo mamma is like a hardware store 10 cents a screw!

Rich Vos: Best Relationship Ever

The best relationship I ever had -- I used to go out with a homeless girl. Yeah, it was great cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere.

Waiting

Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."

Laying Turf

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply.

"But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people

1. Hard boil all the eggs in the carton and place them back in the refrigerator.
2. Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won’t suds up.
3. Turn every setting in someone’s car to the maximum: the heat, the radio, the wipers, the seats, etc.
4. Place a small piece of Post-it note over the ball under someone’s computer mouse so that it won’t work.
5. Switch the handles on the refrigerator to the side that doesn’t open.

Jigsaw puzzle

A group of girls walks into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast: "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks.

Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up" and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says: "I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the girl explains: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years' but we finished it in only 51 days!"

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot...

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

The Pastor's Wife

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"