Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 04 May 2021

Shrinking Clothes

“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

A mother took her little boy t

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."

Interview....

Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"

A woman came up behind her hus

A woman came up behind her husband while he wasenjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on theback of the head. "I found a piece of paper in yourpant pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it,"she said, furious. "You had better have anexplanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember lastweek when I was at the dog track? That was the name ofthe dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smackedhim again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."

Osama Bin Laden'

One day Osama Bin Laden is thinking: What should I blow up first? Then Osama Bin Laden said: "I have decided! bring the servent girl and tell her to get on her kneesand tell her to sacrifice her self!"

The ocean was once fresh water...

The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.

Blonde Arrow

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Fool in love...

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

An engineer dies and reports t...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

I mixed up the cardi...

“I mixed up the cardiac resuscitation equipment with the lie detector, but I will de-fib you later.”

A man lost both ears in an acc...

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: " Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

Toilet Seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."      

Watch For Fallen Rocks

Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."

A couple of miles of careful driving later, he spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up. Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the stones into the highway maintenance office.

Placing them on the counter, he says to an official: "Here are your fallen rocks. Now where's my watch?"

Starbucks divorce

“The Starbucks worker wanted a divorce on the grounds that her husband was a real drip.”

Shy pebble, and few more new funny jokes

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
I don't know.
So it was YOU!

What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?
Recycling.

My friend couldn't pay his water bill,
so I sent him a "get well soon" card

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

I was trying to steal some spaghetti from the local supermarket
... but the security lady saw me and I couldn't get pasta

I once met a shy pebble.
She wished she was a little bolder.

I think my wife had sixty one partners before me
…she calls me her sixty second lover

Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated.
Technically…
it is flat.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.