Jokes of the day for Saturday, 06 August 2022

Everyone seems to be moving to

Everyone seems to be moving to the Middle East. It's a case of the Bahrain drain.

King Solomon's Menagerie

A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, "Who's your favorite person in the Bible?"Susie said, "King Solomon.""Can you tell us why?""Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals.""What do you mean?""He had six hundred wives and three hundred porcupines."-

Grocery Shopping Danger

Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people's shopping carts...
I believe he was a stalker.

Two roaches were munching on g

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Where are the monkeys?

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"

A passenger in a taxi leaned o...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Golf in Heaven

Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven.

The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.

"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.

"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!

 Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Three Vampires Go To A Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

Michael Ian Black: Ambien Racing Game

Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

The worst bag

I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.

It was… the worst case scenario.

Blonde and Psychiatrist

A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are

complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next

best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my

zip code keeps

changing."

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?

A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?

A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How long...?

When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."

From the Blonde Files – Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, a Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
...... And you thought all they did was say Hello.