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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 21 January 2014

“No yelling on weekda...

“No yelling on weekdays if you eat my dessert, but I scream Sunday.”

#joke #short #food #dessert
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Signs of the times...

In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'

Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'

On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

#joke #animal #dog #food #meat #hungry
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?

A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?

A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

#joke #blonde #monday #fruit #orange #drinks #juice
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.40/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - Beetle limousine

Beetle limousine - Budget edition | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (10)

Bird it Through the Grapevine

Q: Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?

A: He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

#joke #short #animal #bird
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Funny jokes-Grudge

A British guy walks into a bar in Central London and before he could order his drink, he notices a Sikh man wearing a turban. Having a personal grudge against sardars, the British guy says loudly to the bartender to the advantage of everyone seated in the bar, "Drinks for everyone in here, except for the Sikh sardar over there."
The first round of drinks were served, and the Sikh guy gives him a smile, gestures to him saying, "Thank you!" in a loud voice.
The British guy is upset and again orders loudly to the bartender to serve another round of drinks to everyone except the Sardar.
The Sardar seems to be unruffled and he continues to smile, and yells back, "Thank you!"
The British guy is mad by now and asks the bartender, "What's wrong with this Sardar? I've insulted him by ordering drinks for everyone but him, and yet he smiles back and keeps thanking me. Has he lost his mind?"
"No, Sir," replies the bartender. "He is the owner of this place."
#joke #walksintoabar #drinks
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

Every time a bell rings Chuck ...

Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 April 2012
  • Currently 1.88/10

Rating: 1.9/10 (51)

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

  • The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
  • A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

    #joke #short
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 January 2011
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (9)

    Finish Overseas Tour


    A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
    The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
    He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"

    #joke #sport #exercise
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 April 2009
    • Currently 2.75/10

    Rating: 2.8/10 (4)

    Church Sign Chuckles

    Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
    -Fire Insurance Inside
    -This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
    -God Answers Knee Mail
    -PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
    -Sign broken, come inside for message
    -This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
    -Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
    -Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
    -The best position is on your knees!

    #joke #christmas
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 January 2010
    • Currently 6.38/10

    Rating: 6.4/10 (39)

    More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders


    "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
    -- Vice President Al Gore


    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
    -- Vice President Al Gore


    "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
    -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996


    "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
    -- Vice President Al Gore


    "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
    -- Vice President Al Gore


    "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
    -- Vice President Al Gore


    "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
    -- Vice President Al Gore


    "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
    -- Vice President Al Gore
    (Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)


    "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
    -- Al Gore


    "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
    -- Vice President Al Gore

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 January 2010
    • Currently 5.50/10

    Rating: 5.5/10 (38)

    JB Smoove: Sound System

    I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 January 2012
    • Currently 4.79/10

    Rating: 4.8/10 (34)

    Foreman

    One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
    “You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”
    “What’s that got to do with it?” he asked.

    “Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

    #joke
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
    • Currently 8.83/10

    Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

    A golfer, who was known for hi...

    A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.
    The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
    But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.
    "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."
    #joke #sport #golfer
    Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
    • Currently 6.71/10

    Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

    Judge to prospective juror...

    Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be excused from serving on this jury?"
    "Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course."
    "Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
    "Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
    #joke
    Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
    • Currently 7.20/10

    Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

    Chuck Norris doesnt wear a wat...

    Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 July 2011
    • Currently 2.36/10

    Rating: 2.4/10 (61)

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