Jokes of the day for Sunday, 07 June 2009

First time in the big city...

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

It was the kindergarten teache...

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.

Q: Did you he...

Q: Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel and Fabio had?
A: They're no longer on a first name basis.

The Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

Ever wonder WHY … Ever wonder WHY …

• the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
• is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
• they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
• don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• they call the airport the terminal?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

#joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #mouse #sheep #fruit #lemon #food #drinks #juice

A chicken and an egg were layi...

A chicken and an egg were laying in bed, smoking cigarettes, the covers and sheets all messed up. The chicken laid there with a big, stupid grin all over its face.

The egg, looking disgusted, blew out a stream of smoke, looked over at the chicken, and said, "Well, I guess we answered that question, didn't we?"

An Incredible Inventor

He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn't find a single phone boot.

Wanna bet?

A guy is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender.

He slaps $10 on the table and says, “I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.”

She knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she accepts the bet.

He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom.

When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge. “Betcha I can bite my own ear,” the guy says.

She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear. Once more, he scoops up the money.

“OK,” he says, “I’ll give you a chance to win back your money. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won’t feel a thing.”

She knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts.

The guy climbs behind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins.

“I can feel you,” she giggles.

“Oh well,” he says, “You win some, you lose some.”

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Why didn't the skeleto...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

First Time in Church

Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."

Bored on the train

Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.

The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.

The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.

The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”

Original joke found on https://boards.fool.com posted on July 5th 2000, posted by gwgross, versions with more details could be found a bit later

Do You Drink?

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?

Teenage Daughters

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters...

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

A married friend told me, he i...

A married friend told me, he is working on Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics under constrained environment....
I was impressed...
On further probing, I learnt that he is washing dishes with hot water ...
Under his wife's supervision...!!