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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 06 June 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 06 June 2009

One day a college professor of...

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
#joke
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (8)

Yo momma so short she poses fo...

Yo momma so short she poses for trophies.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #67 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Police Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Five Jewish Men

Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.32/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (38)

Only in America...... Only in America......
  • can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  • are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  • do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
  • do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  • do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
  • do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
#joke

Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Lying in bed with his wife, th...

Lying in bed with his wife, the farmer stroked her bare breasts and said, "Y'know, Maybelle, if these gave milk, we could sell the cow."

Sighing, Maybelle lay her hand on her husband's crotch. "And if this stayed hard a little longer, we could fire the farmhand."
#joke #short
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Deserted island

Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"

#joke
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (41)

Why didn't the skeleto...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Sexual Harassment

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.

This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go to work.

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

What Would Tiger Do?

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, I have a confession to make. Im not a virgin. Ive been with one other guy.
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?
Tiger Woods, the golfer.
Well, hes rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. What are you doing? asks the wife.
Im hungry. Im calling room service.
Tiger wouldnt do that.
Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
Hed come back to bed and do it a second time.
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
What are you doing now? she asks.
Im still hungry, so Im going to ring room service for some food.
Tiger wouldnt do that.
Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
Hed come back to bed and do it one more time.
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, Are you calling room service?
No! Im calling Tiger Woods to find out whats par for this hole!
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (2)

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.23/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (43)

Seeing A Child In Need

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.
His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

New Math

Romance Mathematics:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Office Arithmetic:
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Shopping Math:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

#joke
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (10)

Big Night Out

Paddy is smashing a few at the local until everything is forgotten. The bartender who is also a family friend continually tells him he's had enough and to go home.

Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.

He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.

The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?". Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?"

To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar".

#joke
  • Currently 9.67/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (15)

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