Jokes of the day for Saturday, 06 June 2009

One day a college professor of...

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Yo momma so short she poses fo...

Yo momma so short she poses for trophies.

Police Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Five Jewish Men

Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.

Only in America...... Only in America......

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
• do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

#joke #animal #dog #food #pizza #fries #drinks #coke

Lying in bed with his wife, th...

Lying in bed with his wife, the farmer stroked her bare breasts and said, "Y'know, Maybelle, if these gave milk, we could sell the cow."

Sighing, Maybelle lay her hand on her husband's crotch. "And if this stayed hard a little longer, we could fire the farmhand."

Deserted island

Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"

Why didn't the skeleto...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Sexual Harassment

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.

This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go to work.

What Would Tiger Do?

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, I have a confession to make. Im not a virgin. Ive been with one other guy.
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?
Tiger Woods, the golfer.
Well, hes rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. What are you doing? asks the wife.
Im hungry. Im calling room service.
Tiger wouldnt do that.
Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
Hed come back to bed and do it a second time.
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
What are you doing now? she asks.
Im still hungry, so Im going to ring room service for some food.
Tiger wouldnt do that.
Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
Hed come back to bed and do it one more time.
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, Are you calling room service?
No! Im calling Tiger Woods to find out whats par for this hole!

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Drop A Bad Habit

I used to think drinking was bad for me.
So I gave up thinking.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived...

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.

I get angry, i yell, i cry

I get angry, i yell, i cry, i speak my mind, i stand up for what i believe in and i'll never apologize for being me.

The firemen finally get a huge...

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.
Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"
Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."