Jokes of the day for Thursday, 22 June 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 22 June 2023 |
Few new short jokes
I had a joke about bowling...
But I'll Spare you.
What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Did you know there are no smiles in Canada?
Only skilometers.
My wife demanded I stop taking Viagra each morning before I leave for the office, and replace it with Omega-3 and B vitamins.
She wants me to work smarter, not harder.
I was kicked out of music school accused of theft
, I was only taking notes.
I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.
'Toilet Closed.'
I have successfully managed to weigh a rainbow,
turns out it was pretty light.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house...
But the kids still get in!
Did you hear about the little boy who swallowed some coins and was admitted to hospital.
When the doctor did his rounds, he asked the nurse how he was doing. The nurse said there was 'no change.
Get Better Soon
I just got my boyfriend a 'get better soon' card.
He isn't sick, I just think he can get better.
If the Pilgrims Were Alive
In class, the teacher was trying desperately to get the students to think. He asked, “If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?”One student quickly responded, “Their age.” Fish trap
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
The secret of my success
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
The deadliest kind of shrimp? ...
The deadliest kind of shrimp? Prawn-as.Demetri Martin: Cool Leather
I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Thats when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves. This one never gets old - The New CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
Johnnie Cochrane Closing Arguments for US v. Clinton
From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here arethe top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of
United States v. William J. Clinton:
10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's
proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral
Dollars Equal Ten Cents
Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent
IT Students
An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes “Nice bike. Where did you get it?”
The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said ‘Take anything you want!’”
The first student says, “So I took the bike”.
The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”.
Grandpa, can you...?
A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
Joe’s dad scolded him for br...
Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbor’s window with a baseball. - “What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father.
- “Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?”
- “Without, of course.”
- “Well, then, he said nothing.”
Batteries Not Included
I was so unpopular at school they used to call me "Batteries"...
Because I was never included in anything.
