Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 February 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 25 February 2015 |
IT Students
An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes “Nice bike. Where did you get it?”
The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said ‘Take anything you want!’”
The first student says, “So I took the bike”.
The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”.
Five Years
Q: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"A: "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."
Funny video of the day - Ultimate Parkour Fails Compilation
A drunk driver is stopped for...
A drunk driver is stopped for heading the wrong way on a one-way street. The police officer asked the driver, "Didn't you see the arrows?"
The drunk responds, "Arrows? I couldn't even see the Indians."
Mark the spot...
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.
They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?"
"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water."
"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"
Earth Science Answers
REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS
The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.
Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.
The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.
We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam.
Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there.
The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.
We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.
The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.
I went to a horticultural conf
I went to a horticultural conference and they said ‘Please be seeded.'A man gets pulled over by the
A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."Two guys were walking in the w
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger...
"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
Lunch money
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch.
So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.
--Jay Leno
Baseball Field
Q: What goes all the way around a baseball field but never moves?
A: The fence.
A wife and husband are having
A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
Bank Robber Stealing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
God and Eve in the Garden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God..."Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create
a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie,>cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give
you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but
since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a
way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also
need your advise to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . .
. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . .
. So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to
woman."
Pete Holmes: I Love New York
There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, thats true. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- theres always something to blame it on.