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Jokes of the day for Friday, 07 July 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 07 July 2023

Do babies drive Mini Poopers?
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

World Chocolate Day Jokes

July 7th is World Chocolate Day! Find some jokes about it!

Why did the chocolate chip cookie cry? Because his mom was a wafer too long!

What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa-nut.

There are two types of people in this world:
People who love chocolate and liars.

What is the opposite of Chocolate?
Chocoearly.

What Christmas carol do candy bars sing?
Almond Joy To The World.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because it lost its filling!

Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty?
They had a Babe Ruth.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Candy boy. Candy boy who? Candy boy have another piece of chocolate?

What did the M&M go to college?
Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

What does it do before it rains candy?
It sprinkles!

Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had his ear bitten off.
One said “Happy Easter!” What did the other one say? “Huh?”

I opened a Mars bar once.
I discovered martians love gin.

Life is like a box of chocolates…
Mostly disappointing.

A seven-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars are bad for you.”
The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be 105.” The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?” “No,” says the boy. “But he minded his own business.”

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?
Cacao.

Why did the chocolate bar go to the dentist?
He had a chip in his tooth.

Why is a Toblerone triangular?
So it fits in the box.

#joke #christmas #animal #cow #fruit #food #chocolate #eating #drinks #milk #gin #mother #mom
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Mericful Mountain Lion

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole. The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion. The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."
#joke #animal #lion #food #sport #hiking
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 November 2022
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

With Corrections

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

#joke #short #animal #bird #bee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 March 2022
  • Currently 9.22/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (18)

Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 15 September 2021
  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

The black eye...

Mr. Bailey saw his son's shiner and demanded, "Scott, who gave you that black eye?"

"No one gave it to me dad," replied the spunky lad. "I had to fight for it."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 July 2017
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Mitch Hedberg: Fore!

I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 July 2011
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (51)

Son : Mom, when I was on the b...

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!
#joke #short #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 July 2009
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (44)

What she Really Means...

What she Really Means

I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 July 2008
  • Currently 7.46/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (41)

Lawyer Vacancy

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 July 2012
  • Currently 5.92/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (39)

Kangaroo + Leap Year =

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?

A leap year!

#joke #short #animal #kangaroo
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 July 2013
  • Currently 4.55/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (33)

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

#joke #animal #alligator #fruit #orange #sport #swimming
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 September 2013
  • Currently 8.55/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (56)

Dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 August 2009
  • Currently 5.42/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (24)

Sam has been in business for 2...

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
#joke #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 February 2015
  • Currently 8.98/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (40)

Sweetheart

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately, the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise. Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wrapped a pair of panties and sent them to the young man's sweetheart along with the following note which he had written.

Darling:
I have been trying desperately to come up with a special gift for your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but since your sister wears the short ones which are so easy to remove, I wanted to get the same style for you.

You may be concerned that these are a delicate shade, however, the saleslady showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. She said that there are a couple of important care considerations that I should mention to you. First, when you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away since they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Second, be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so that they won't shrink.

The saleslady made such an impression upon me that I had her try them on for me. She really looked great in them and I can just imagine how great they are going to look on you. I decided to mail these so that you would have them in time for your birthday. I really hesitated because I wanted so much to be there to watch you put them on for the first time. There is little doubt in my mind that many other hands will have touched them before I see you again. I can hardly wait to run my own hands over them or do as the French do, and gently kiss them. I hope you really like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

#joke #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 June 2016
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

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