Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 September 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 September 2023 |
Social activists in Hell are p
Social activists in Hell are pressuring Satan to resign, after he was accused of Hades speech.Photographic Memory
Everyone has a photographic memory...
Some just still keep it on film...
And they never develop it.
Passing a Mental Exam
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Buying paint....
BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORECustomer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
====
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: What?
Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.
Tired sperm
Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and hottrouble1
How's Norma?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother, in her weak tremulous voice said, ''Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse told me that Norma is doing very well.. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work is normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me s**t.'
Found on https://allnurses.com/norma-t270187/, posted on Mar 22, 2009 by HeartsOpenWide.
A young man at this constructi...
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
Wedding a Virgin
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly," she asks him?
"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?!"
Thai Rivera: Paying Customer
I cant stand homeless people. I dont feel bad about saying it. I dont mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain. 45 clean romantic Knock knock jokes
1. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to get to know you better!
2. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce go on a date and make some memories together!
3. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to go out with me?
4. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Amour.
Amour who?
Amour than happy to have met you!
5. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kiss.
Kiss who?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
6. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, I'm falling for you!
7. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Charming.
Charming who?
Charming to meet you. Can I take you out for dinner?
8. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry nice to meet you. Can I have your number?
9. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid called. He wants his arrow back because I've fallen for you!
10. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fella.
Fella who?
Fella madly in love with you!
11. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me this weekend?
12. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Just kidding, let's go out!
13. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple-ogize for taking up your time, but can I take you out?
14. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, and let's have a fantastic time!
15. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming has finally arrived, and he's asking you out!
16. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, babe, it's just me!
17. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to hold you tight!
18. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce snuggle up and watch our favorite movie together!
19. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how much I love you?
20. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sweetie.
Sweetie who?
Sweetie, you make my heart skip a beat!
21. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're the sweetest thing in my life!
22. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Darling.
Darling who?
Darling, you light up my world!
23. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry in love with you, my darling!
24. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid struck me with love the moment I met you!
25. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you complete me!
26. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you're the one I've been waiting for!
27. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet, I can't stop thinking about you!
28. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple of my eye, you're the one for me!
29. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, my love!
30. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Princess.
Princess who?
Princess, you're the queen of my heart!
31. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce cuddle up and create a cozy paradise of love!
32. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to explore a world of adventures with you!
33. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're my sweet addiction, and I can't get enough of you!
34. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you light up my world like nobody else!
35. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry lucky to have you by my side, my love!
36. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid shot an arrow, and it struck my heart when I met you!
37. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mystery.
Mystery who?
Mystery deepens when I think of you, and I'm excited to uncover it together!
38. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming might be a fairy tale, but you're my real-life prince!
39. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Flirt.
Flirt who?
Flirt with me forever, and let's keep the spark alive!
40. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you bring heaven into my life, and I'm grateful for every moment with you!
41. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy, you make me smile every day, and I'm so lucky to have you!
42. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo couldn't resist knocking on your heart, and I'm here to stay!
43. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Echo.
Echo who?
Echo, you've captured my heart, and your love echoes through my soul!
44. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sunshine.
Sunshine who?
Sunshine, you brighten up my world, and I'm forever grateful for you!
45. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dream.
Dream who?
Dream, you're the one I've been waiting for, and being with you is a dream come true!
23 short rabbit jokes and puns
What do you call a happy rabbit?
A hop-timist.
What is a rabbit’s favorite music?
Hip-hop.
What do you call a rabbit that’s raised indoors?
An in-grown hare.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
A 14-carrot ring.
Where do rabbits work?
At IHOP.
How do you know a rabbit is in a good mood?
He’s hoppy.
How do rabbits travel?
By hareplane.
What do you call a bunny transformer?
Hop-timus Prime.
Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.
How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Eggsercise and hareobics.
Why did the bunnies go on strike?
Because they wanted a better celery.
What do you call 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
What did the bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you.
A friend of mine stole a rabbit.
Then he had to make a run for it.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs
a friend who is all ears.
I used to own a rabbit,
but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year.
He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch.
But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
You must be the Easter Bunny,
because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
I know a bald chap who put a rabbit on his head.
He wanted a head of hare.
Got in a lift with an animal that looked a bit like a rabbit.
It was a hare-raising experience.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns.
They are not bunny anymore.
Tom Hanks Memoir
When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
"T. Hanks - For the Memories"
A family is at the dinner tabl...
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
