Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 June 2023

Johnny Depp jokes

June the 9th is Johnny Depp’s Birthday!
Wish him happy birthday with these jokes.

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case
or was it…
misheard​​?

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...
Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp​​.

What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?
You've got to be shitting me​.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?
They don't like Heards​.

Johnny Depp's the one guy ...
that could have used an Amber alert​​.

Why did Johnny Depp skip getting a booster shot?
Because he now has "Heard immunity"​.

What is Johnny Depp’s go-to workout video?
Pilates of the Caribbean

45 clean romantic Knock knock jokes

1. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to get to know you better!

2. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce go on a date and make some memories together!

3. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to go out with me?

4. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Amour.
Amour who?
Amour than happy to have met you!

5. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kiss.
Kiss who?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?

6. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, I'm falling for you!

7. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Charming.
Charming who?
Charming to meet you. Can I take you out for dinner?

8. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry nice to meet you. Can I have your number?

9. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid called. He wants his arrow back because I've fallen for you!

10. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fella.
Fella who?
Fella madly in love with you!

11. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me this weekend?

12. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Just kidding, let's go out!

13. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple-ogize for taking up your time, but can I take you out?

14. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, and let's have a fantastic time!

15. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming has finally arrived, and he's asking you out!

16. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, babe, it's just me!

17. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to hold you tight!

18. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce snuggle up and watch our favorite movie together!

19. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how much I love you?

20. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sweetie.
Sweetie who?
Sweetie, you make my heart skip a beat!

21. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're the sweetest thing in my life!

22. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Darling.
Darling who?
Darling, you light up my world!

23. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry in love with you, my darling!

24. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid struck me with love the moment I met you!

25. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you complete me!

26. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you're the one I've been waiting for!

27. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet, I can't stop thinking about you!

28. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple of my eye, you're the one for me!

29. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, my love!

30. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Princess.
Princess who?
Princess, you're the queen of my heart!

31. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce cuddle up and create a cozy paradise of love!

32. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to explore a world of adventures with you!

33. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're my sweet addiction, and I can't get enough of you!

34. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you light up my world like nobody else!

35. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry lucky to have you by my side, my love!

36. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid shot an arrow, and it struck my heart when I met you!

37. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mystery.
Mystery who?
Mystery deepens when I think of you, and I'm excited to uncover it together!

38. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming might be a fairy tale, but you're my real-life prince!

39. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Flirt.
Flirt who?
Flirt with me forever, and let's keep the spark alive!

40. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you bring heaven into my life, and I'm grateful for every moment with you!

41. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy, you make me smile every day, and I'm so lucky to have you!

42. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo couldn't resist knocking on your heart, and I'm here to stay!

43. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Echo.
Echo who?
Echo, you've captured my heart, and your love echoes through my soul!

44. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sunshine.
Sunshine who?
Sunshine, you brighten up my world, and I'm forever grateful for you!

45. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dream.
Dream who?
Dream, you're the one I've been waiting for, and being with you is a dream come true!

Build Me Up

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition...
And finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

Zen Sarcasm, Part 3

1. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
2. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
3. Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
4. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
5. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
6. I feel like I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
7. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.-

Honey Pie

After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.

The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

Empire State Building Fall

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

Renewable energy is a

Renewable energy is a fuel hardy endeavor.

Chuck Norris knows the last di...

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

From Yuppie Businessman to redneck in 35 Easy Steps

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!

Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS.

1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!

If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!

Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.

6) Use necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.

9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms.

10) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.

13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

14) Strip off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can.

Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system.

15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer.

16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

17) Cut up Ivy League degree.

18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look.

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk.

20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week.

26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell Porsche.

28) Buy used pickup.

29) Sell condo.

30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained.

32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money.

33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

Some Musical Christmas Advice

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

Typical male

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He feel silent, and she continued,

"You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions."

A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A brunette who really hated bl...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'

He has all the virtues I dislike and none...

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

1/2 Blonde

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
- Gifted!