Jokes of the day for Saturday, 09 June 2012

Really funny jokes-Disturbed Anthropologist

Q. What did one strawberry say...

A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

"Honey," said this husband to ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

From Yuppie Businessman to redneck in 35 Easy Steps

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!

Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS.

1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!

If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!

Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.

6) Use necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.

9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms.

10) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.

13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

14) Strip off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can.

Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system.

15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer.

16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

17) Cut up Ivy League degree.

18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look.

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk.

20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week.

26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell Porsche.

28) Buy used pickup.

29) Sell condo.

30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained.

32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money.

33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

Cruise Control

Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who?” I asked.

My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”

Pete Holmes: Uncool in Dreams

Chuck Norris knows 47 ways to ...

Chuck Norris knows the last di...

Some Musical Christmas Advice

I popped eight pimples. It was...

Blow The Horn

Under negotiations

An elderly married couple was traveling by car on a road trip. After almost 11 hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The husband exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk that though it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. The clerk nodded and told him that $350.00 is the “standard rate.” The husband wasn’t happy with the explanation and insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared, listened to him and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for them to use.

“But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. The manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas here," he said.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied. No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, the husband replied: "But we didn't use it!"

The manager was unmoved and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the checkbook he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00," he said.

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife.

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."

He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".