Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 04 October 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 04 October 2023 |
Wife and girlfriend
The other day I came home from work and my wife was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend.
Stunned, I asked, "What's going on here?"
My wife replied, "You tell me."
I told her, "It looks like you're sitting here with some total stranger."
My girlfriend stood up and said, "Stranger? We've been sleeping together for months!"
I turned to my wife and asked, "My God, is this true?"
Lady trying to catch a ride
A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.
She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:
- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn't sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.
- Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it's been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.
- Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:
"Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?"
World Animal Day Jokes
On 4th October let's celebrate World Animal Day with a few chuckles:
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit "what is your blood type?"
The rabbit replied "I'm probably a type-o".
Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.
I returned my lizard to the pet store today as it wouldn't stop telling me jokes.
The store clerk said "that isn't a lizard, it is a stand up chameleon."
What happened to the frog's motorcar when the engine blew up?
It was eventually toad away.
Q: What did the goose say when he purchased a new lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill please."
Q: Is a kangaroo able to jump higher than the Eiffel tower?
A: Of course. The Eiffel tower can't jump.
You are able to tell the gender of an ant just by placing them in water.
If they sink, girl ant. If the float, buoyant.
Q: Why didn't the leopard enjoy playing hide and seek?
A: Because he was spotted all the time.
Q: Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
A: Because if they had 4 doors then they would be chicken sedans!
Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days. The lion starts hunting the two men. One of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He sees the lion on its knees and hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
I have just started a dating website for chickens.
It is not my normal job, I am just doing it..... To make hens meet
I have the heart of a lion, I also have a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.
#worldanimaldayGetting Screwed Thousand Times
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Are you an honest lawyer...
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Diagnosis Explained
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Two guys were riding in a car,...
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."Exchange
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?Exchange him.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
18 new Halloween jokes from 2020
Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store!
Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries!
Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE!
Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans.
Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which!
Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein!
Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries.
Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray!
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.
Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie.
Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops.
Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers!
Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.
April Fool's Day - Toilet Surprise
Squirt some clear dish washing soap or laundry detergent into the bowl of the toilet. In the morning, the first person to use the commode will get a sudsy surprise. Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
Blonde Cop
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking by a mall.
A policeman starts running after them, so they start running too.
They come upon 3 sacks and jump into them.
The cop stops and kicks the 1st sack and the brunette says "Meow."
The cop says, "Oh, it's only a cat."
He kicks the 2nd sack and the redhead says "Woof."
The cop says, "Oh, it's only a dog."
Then he comes up to the third sack and kicks it.
The blonde says "Potatoes".
And the cop says "Oh, it's only a sack of potatoes!"
Do you know why the cop didn't catch her?
Because he was a blonde too!
