Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 October 2023

Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad
I’m a faux pa.

I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins

What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill.

I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.

A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?"

I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.

Mary's Little One

Mary had a little lamb...
And two nurses who passed out in the delivery room.

World Teachers' Day Jokes

On 5th October we appreciate our educators with World Teachers' Day! Here are some light-hearted teacher jokes:

Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems.

Teacher: Give me a sentence beginning with ‘I’.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Remember you must say ‘I am’ not ‘I is’.
Student: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Q: Who’s the king of the classroom?
A: The ruler.

Q: What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the first letter and the last.

Teacher: Why are you late for school?
Student: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does the sign have to do with you being late?
Student: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses on the first day of school?
A: She heard her classes were super bright!

Teacher: If I had 8 oranges in one hand and 10 apples in the other hand, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!

Teacher: We will only have a half-day of school this morning…
Students: Yay!!!!
Teacher: Then we will have the other half this afternoon.

Teacher: What is the most common phrase used in school?
Student: I don’t know!
Teacher: Correct!

Teacher: What are two pronouns?
Student: Who? Me?

#worldteachersday

Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!" 

Wisdom...

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Alfred Robles: Girl Like a Report Card

I want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an A, she has to have double DDs, cause tonight I want to F.

Paper beats rock, rock beats s...

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

 I Get No Respect 04

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."

Porch or Lexus?

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

"$50" she replies

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.

"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."

Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. Its a Lexus."

Knock Knock Collection 189

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walt!
Walt who?
Walt till your father gets home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Warner!
Warner who?
Warner you coming out to play!

Letter to a Nosey Mom

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!  

Buying a newspaper

One day, a man's beloved dog passed away, leaving him heartbroken. His dog had been incredibly helpful, doing chores like washing dishes and running errands. Grieving, the man decided to find a new pet to fill the void.

At the pet store, he asked the manager if they had any animals that could perform tasks like his dog had. The manager looked around and said, "We don't have much, but there's this centipede."

Though skeptical, the man took the centipede home. To test its abilities, he asked it to fetch a beer from the fridge, and the centipede did so.

Next, he asked it to run a bath
It also accomplished.

Before getting into the bath, the man requested the centipede to go to the store and buy a newspaper. The centipede agreed. However, when the man emerged from the bath an hour later, he found the centipede at the bottom of the stairs, not having left for the store yet.

"Didn't I ask you to go to the store?" he questioned.
The centipede replied, "GIVE ME A CHANCE TO PUT MY SHOES ON!"

I finally got one over

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

Why?

Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!

What do you call people who ar...

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
- Claustrophobic.