Jokes of the day for Friday, 10 November 2023

Health or Wisdom

It is better to be healthy than wise...
Being sick costs you money, but you can be dumb for free.

Who's Going to Pay for Paddy?

Paddy went into St. Mary’s hospital for major surgery. In the recovery room, the nurse came in and said, “So Pat, how will you be payin’ for your surgery?”“Sure and I don’t know,” said Pat.“Do you have any insurance?” the nurse asked.“No,” said Pat.“Do you have any money?” she asked.“Not a penny,” said Pat.“Do you have any relatives who might be able to pay for this surgery?”“Only me spinster sister in New Mexico; she’s a nun.”“Nuns aren’t spinsters Pat, they’re married to God,” the nurse said.“Fine,” replied Pat, “then sure and you’ll be sending the bill to me Brother-in-Law.”

Future value

A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here, is the check for $900," he said. "It's postdated six years from now."

Physics...

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes."
The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."
Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

Chuck Norris has the greatest ...

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

The lawyer was cross-examining

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Please Show The I.D.

The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Which one picked it up?

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

My girlfriend told me to take...

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

God knows

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

Sea monster and ship

“After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka-Seltzer. He said, 'I can't believe I ate the hull thing.'”

The Sentence

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.

There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

A man scolded his son for bein...

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.
"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money?" inquired the father.
"I will come home and get some," readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!"

Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!

I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.