Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 January 2024

Contortionist Who Passed Away

Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away?
He died in his own arms.

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale

It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house
Don't forget your husbands

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm

Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church
Children will be baptized at both ends

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social
All ladies giving milk will please come early

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist
Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday

Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him

After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

Belated confession

A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," said the priest. "That's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me $20 for every week he stayed," the man explained.

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause," the priest replied.

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind,” the man said. “I have one more question, though."

"What is that, my son?" the priest inquired.

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

A businessman boarded a fli...

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

TBecause everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

A cowboy, who just moved to Wy...

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

What sort of television progra...

What sort of television programmes do ducks like?
Duckumentaries

Chilling with Eskimos

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?

A. Polaroids.

Cowabunga Jake

I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse...
... I named them Jake from Steak Farm.

Wanna Dance?

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Oh I'm sorry," responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

April Fool’s Day Pranks

1. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note.
2. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
3. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
4. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
5. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
6. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.

The Single Guy...

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "because you're ugly."

Smoking Pot

Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.
She said if I did she was going to leave me.
That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!

How does a sundial work?

Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”

Dad hands son a phone…

“Ok, now just call someone.”

Son: “Why can’t you do it?”

Dad: “Because that would be a DADdial.”