Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 March 2024

Can't See It

Mom: Having trouble with your computer, son?
Son: My PC says it can't see my printer.
Mom: I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is.

Things you don't want to hear from tech support...

'Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?'

'...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.'

'So... what are you wearing?'

'Duuuuuude! Bummer!'

'Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.'

'We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.'

'In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.'

'Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!'

'Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.'

'Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.'

I love this story – from the blonde files

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, 'I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.'
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: 'I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately got up and said, 'okay, thank you'. She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, 'I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York.'

A circus owner runs an ad for

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”

Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Childless Smokey the Bear

Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?
A: Every time his wife got hot, he stamped her out.

Columbus

Columbus

Heads or tails

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Park Bench

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."  

Definition of stupid

Definition of stupid: Knowing the truth, seeing the truth but still believing the lies.

Long-Distance Calls

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

A farmer named Seamus had a ca...

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Garda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now... what would you say?"

Working With God

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!""Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

That seat is reserved

A man on the train said: "That seat is reserved." I said: "Well, it's been very forward with me." Pulled up my pants and went on my way.

Lou Sanders

Picture: BBC