Jokes of the day for Friday, 22 March 2024

Friday Funnies: 11 Jokes to Start Your Weekend Right

Did you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z…
How do they sleep at night?

I was surprised to learn I weigh zero milligrams.
I was like 0mg!

I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“

Went to the beach and fed the birds cannabis laced cake. They seemed to like it…
I left no tern unstoned!

A spider asked a human, "Why are you afraid of me?"
Human: "Well, all the reasons I had have been replaced by the fact that you can talk."

Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!

If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it one star

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!

Me: "Dad, do you know where I can get a Greek sandwich?"
Dad: "I don't know. Let me look through my gyroscope."

I have a lot of respect for giraffes.
They're an animal you can really look up to.

The boss looks over the gentleman's resume and says "Wow, I'm impressed.
It seems like you've got everything needed for the job.
But there's a 4 year gap in here.
What happened there?"
The gentleman responds
"Oh, that's when I went to Yale."
The boss is now super impressed and hires the man on the spot
. The man immediately calls his wife
. "Hey honey, I got the yob!"

The Accident That's About to Happen

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?

Bottle Of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

It doesn't hurt to take a har...

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."    

A small boy is sent to bed by ...

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.five minutes later:"Da..aaad"
"What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! Ifyou ask again I'll have to spank you!"
five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"

A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation. Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow. David: Oh? What are they going to do? Ali: Circumcise me! David: I had that done when I was just a few days old. Ali: Did it hurt? David: I couldn't walk for a year!

Why would an hour gl...

“Why would an hour glass only take half an hour to finish? It was filled with quick sand.”

Big trouble

A man is sleeping in bed when his telephone suddenly rings.

“Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Si, Señor, that's the one.”

“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

”My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

”Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?!”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?” Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Rod.”

“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”

“Your wife's, Señor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.”

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in serious trouble!”

A motorcycle patrolman was rus...

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Bottom of the Class

“I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son.
“Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.”

Furniture repo men

Furniture repo men have a come for table existence.

Easy Rider

Car Dealer: "This car had just one careful owner."
Buyer: "But look at it, it's a wreck!"
Car dealer: "Well yes, you see, the other seven owners weren't quite as careful."

Miraculous Golf Shot

Two men are standing on a golf course. The first one steps up, tees his first ball, and positions himself for a swing. The man lifts his club, swings smoothly down and smacks the ball into the air. It sails off in a nice, long arc, but as it comes down the two men can see that it's heading straight for the water trap.

Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.

When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.

The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?"