Jokes of the day for Friday, 17 March 2017
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 17 March 2017
A motorcycle patrolman was rus...A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
“Husbands wedded to s
“Husbands wedded to shopaholic wives face severe economic downtown turns!”
My love for small sunbaked rodMy love for small sunbaked rodents is in tanned gerbil.
An eccentric billionaire wanteAn eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall,so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionairesaid, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation ofthe last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I amgoing out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expectto see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine thefinished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with ahalo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in variousstages and different positions of making love. Furious he called theartist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for amural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow lookat all those f*cking Indians!'"
It's raining out there!
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope..just when it's raining.'
New York Crazy Law
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
TEACHER: Why are you late? <TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Well, because class started before I got here.
Three Policemen at the Pearly GatesThree police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Greg Giraldo: On CatholicismWe have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
Hymns By Word Association
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.