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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 04 April 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 04 April 2024

Dating Vs. Marriage

Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.
Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (20)

New Year's Resolutions That You Can Really Keep...

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking.

8. Spend more time at work.

9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

10. Start being superstitious.

#joke #newyear #food #lunch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 May 2015
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 April 2011
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (65)

I went to the shop the other d...

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
#joke #policeman #animal #pig
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 04 April 2015
  • Currently 8.63/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (56)

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
#joke #animal #bunny #food #egg
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 April 2018
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (52)

Facelift

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 April 2013
  • Currently 5.37/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (52)

Maria Bamford: Religious Worship

My mom is very religious, and she said, Whatever you think about all the time, thats what you worship. If thats the case, Id like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.
#joke #short #drinks #coke #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 April 2011
  • Currently 4.30/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (47)

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation. Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow. David: Oh? What are they going to do? Ali: Circumcise me! David: I had that done when I was just a few days old. Ali: Did it hurt? David: I couldn't walk for a year!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 March 2018
  • Currently 8.53/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (34)

Good thinking

Two brunettes and a blonde are driving in the desert when, all of a sudden, their car breaks down.

As none of them have any motoring knowledge, they decide to walk. Each of them decides to take one thing with her.

The first brunette takes some food in case she gets hungry, the second brunette takes some water in case she gets thirsty and the blonde takes a car door.

When questioned about her choice, the blonde replies:

"Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window!"

#joke #blonde #food #hungry
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 July 2013
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (13)

BBQ Guide

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

#joke #food #bread #salad #dessert #meat #eating #drinks #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 April 2020
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Don't marry Miss Green

I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."

He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"

I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".

He said: "You can't".

I said: "Why not?"

He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."

I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."

He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."

Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"

I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White."

He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."

She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"

Max Miller (1894-1963)

Picture: REX Features

#joke #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2015
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

Three drunks hailed a taxi...

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 June 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Mike Birbiglia: Crying Over a Book

I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying. So, I leaned over -- I go, 'You don't know how to read, either?'
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 February 2017
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

A taekwondo crime fi...

“A taekwondo crime fighter needs a good sidekick.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 February 2018
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Charge By The Inch

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

#joke #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 June 2012
  • Currently 6.48/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (44)

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