Jokes of the day for Thursday, 04 April 2024

Dating Vs. Marriage

Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.
Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.

New Year's Resolutions That You Can Really Keep...

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking.

8. Spend more time at work.

9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

10. Start being superstitious.

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

I went to the shop the other d...

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

Facelift

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

Maria Bamford: Religious Worship

My mom is very religious, and she said, Whatever you think about all the time, thats what you worship. If thats the case, Id like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

20 Best dad jokes of all time

The funniest dad jokes ever told.

This 20 are voted as The best Dad jokes ever told but you can find also more Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.

1. This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.

3. Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don't think they'll fit me.

4. I used to hate facial hair…
but then it grew on me.

5. Can you put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire.

6. Wife said are you ever going stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe…

7. Ah, this takes me back when
putting the car into reverse.

8. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.

9. What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.

10. How do I look?
With your eyes.

11. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!

12. I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

13. Wanna hear a joke about a pizza?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

14. I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey,
but I turned myself around.

15. I am terrified of lifts.
I'm going to take steps to avoid them.

16. What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.

17. I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.

18. How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

19. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.

20. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

In the zoo

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny and difficult to handle and, upon examination, the zoo veterinarian found that the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy a female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution and Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mike showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

'First,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from the union.'

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

'Well,' said Mike, 'you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.'

Crazy people don't know they are crazy

Crazy people don't know they are crazy, I know i'm crazy therefore i'm not crazy. Isn't that crazy.

100 years old

Reporter: "So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?"
Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted most by 79 years of fresh air."

The Sailor and the computer

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Q: What's the definition of mi...

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.
He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting for the phone to ring or his first client to appear.
Suddenly he heard the elevator doors closing and footsteps coming down the hall toward his office.
He wanted to give the impression of a successful professional, so he grabbed the shiny new phone receiver and plunged into imaginary conversation. 'Yes, Mr. Torrence,' he intoned as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to that business as soon as I've a free minute. I'm sure you're aware that Mr. Hollings had wanted me to handle his estate. I had to put him off, since I'm far too busy with other cases, but I'll manage to sandwich yours between the others somehow. Yes, yes, certainly, it's my pleasure, sir. Goodbye.'
Certain that he had properly impressed his prospective client, he hung up the receiver and turned to face the stranger, who was patiently waiting. 'Excuse me, sir,' said the man, 'I've come to connect your telephone.'

When you truly don't care

When you truly don't care when anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.