Jokes of the day for Friday, 15 August 2025
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 15 August 2025 |
The pharmacist
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
an explorer in the deepest Ama...
an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fucked."
Pete Holmes: The Museum
I dont care about the museum, I only care that people think Im the kind of guy who goes to museums. Chck Norris listens to "Requie...
Chck Norris listens to "Requiem for a Tower" when he eats waffles.Dents
A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"
Checking out
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.
Yes, says the receptionist irritably.
Excuse me, says the woman, but I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?
The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down.Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all.
Smoke and Mirrors Day joke
Today is Smoke and Mirrors Day (USA)! Learn Some Magic Tricks, tell a joke!
My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.
The Invisible Man
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Heard in the Friars Barber Shop
A man walks into the Friars barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
There was a preacher whose wif...
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen"
Question And Answer
Q: What is the definition of an accountant?A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.
Q: What is an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.
A prisoner in jail receives a ...
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Tourists
A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."
Try Nursing!
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed, I tried being a writer and failed, then I tried being a sales clerk, and I failed at that too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, I'll give it a try!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
