Popular jokes (20521 to 20535)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
It was a beautiful day at the
It was a beautiful day at the park and there was this little blode girl, with rosy red cheeks. As she was walking around when suddenly she saw something on the ground and didn't know what it was but it was moving around and she thought it looked ugly.She saw a little boy about her age. "Hey you!" she shouted out. "Could you please come over here?"
The little boy walked over. "What do you need?" he said.
"What is this?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "It's a worm."
The little girl with a blank on her face and asked, "How do you kill one?"
"You can't!" the boy said.
"YES you can!!!" she said angry tone.
With a grind on her face, she wanted to show how smart she is... she bent down, scope up a hand full of dirt and buried the worm. "See I told you, now who do you think is the dumb one?"
#joke #animal #worm
Christmas jokes-Clean Living
It was Christmas and everyone seemed to he having a great time, but Father O'Rourke was not. He suddenly said to Father Kelly 'You know what. I'm fed up with all this good behaviour and clean living. Why don't go out and have good old sinful night out. We could drink, go with loose women and do whatever takes our fancy.' Are you mad?' replied Father Kelly 'This is a small town. Everyone knows who we are.' 'I don't mean we should do it here.' said his colleague. 'We could dress like everyone else and take the train to the city'
After much persuasion Father Kelly agreed to do so and off they went that night and partied until morning. They arrived home very much the worse for wear and it was then that the enormity of what they had done began to dawn on Father Kelly. 'Oh my God. We're going to have to confess our misdemeanor.' 'Don't worry.' replied Father O'Rourke 'I've already thought about this. You get changed and go into the confessional and I'll tell you all about my misdeeds and you can absolve me. Then, I'll do the same for you.'
So, a short while later Father O'Rourke went to the church and entered the confessional. 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I went out with a friend to celebrate Christmas last night and got drunk, had sexual relations with women, danced to wicked music and used foul language.' Father Kelly replied 'God is patient and forgiving and so am I. Do five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.'
A short while later their positions were reversed and Father Kelly confessed everything in great detail. 'This is an outrage.' exclaimed Father O'Rourke. 'What kind of priest are you? Do five hundred Our Fathers, Five hundred Hail Marys, donate all you income for the next three months to the church, go right round the church on your knees fifty times, asking God's forgiveness as you do so. Then come back to me and maybe I'll consider absolution.' 'What?' said the astonished Father Kelly 'What about our agreement?' Father O'Rourke replied 'What I do with my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously.'
After much persuasion Father Kelly agreed to do so and off they went that night and partied until morning. They arrived home very much the worse for wear and it was then that the enormity of what they had done began to dawn on Father Kelly. 'Oh my God. We're going to have to confess our misdemeanor.' 'Don't worry.' replied Father O'Rourke 'I've already thought about this. You get changed and go into the confessional and I'll tell you all about my misdeeds and you can absolve me. Then, I'll do the same for you.'
So, a short while later Father O'Rourke went to the church and entered the confessional. 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I went out with a friend to celebrate Christmas last night and got drunk, had sexual relations with women, danced to wicked music and used foul language.' Father Kelly replied 'God is patient and forgiving and so am I. Do five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.'
A short while later their positions were reversed and Father Kelly confessed everything in great detail. 'This is an outrage.' exclaimed Father O'Rourke. 'What kind of priest are you? Do five hundred Our Fathers, Five hundred Hail Marys, donate all you income for the next three months to the church, go right round the church on your knees fifty times, asking God's forgiveness as you do so. Then come back to me and maybe I'll consider absolution.' 'What?' said the astonished Father Kelly 'What about our agreement?' Father O'Rourke replied 'What I do with my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously.'
Scary Collection 04
A ghost joke
This woman wanted to marry a ghost.
I don't know what possessed her!
A witch joke
Have you heard about the good weather witch?
She's forecasting sunny spells!
A cannibal joke
Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
A witch joke
How do witches tell the time?
By looking at their witch watches!
A vampire joke
What was the Californian vampire hippy like?
He was ghoul man, real ghoul!
A witch joke
What happens if you see twin witches?
You won't be able to see which witch is witch!
A Halloween joke
Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween?
It was for "tick or tweet"!
#joke #halloween #animal #bird
During a simulated attack, the
During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. "You there," the sergeant shouts, "the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!"The recruit takes ten steps to one side.
"What are you doing, man?" Yells the sergeant, purple with fury.
"I'm taking shelter behind an imaginary hill, Sergeant," answers the recruit calmly.
#joke
On their wedding night, the yo
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her newhusband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalingnearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know whento keep their mouths shut.
#joke #wedding #bride
Craig Ferguson: Talking About Sex in Scotland
Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists dont even talk about sex. Its just like: Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. Well take a look at your magic baby door.#joke #short
Business one-liners 28
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
#joke
Golf
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
“I had a novel idea f...
“I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now.”
#joke #short
Do You Know Where You Were Going?
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Two men are drinking in a bar.
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.#joke
Dear Pun Gents
I need a name for a four-person walking team participating in a month-long, 10,000 step a day challenge to raise awareness for people with disabilities. It needs to be business appropriate. The team consists of four females (two of which are my daughters). Thank you in advance! ~Shannon, Groton#joke #short
