Popular jokes (20806 to 20820)

His pediatrician asked six-yea...

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny (who watches too much TV)... "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
WithTtampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

Hear about the Scottish dwarf

Hear about the Scottish dwarf who owned a microbrewery, and was also a vampire?

I can't afford long dist

I can't afford long distance calls. I'm down to my last far thing.

A little old man shuffled slow...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?
No," he replied, "arthritis".

Good jokes-Questionable morals

Put your money where your mouth is....

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

“I had a novel idea f...

“I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now.”

Identity crisis...

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

Disappearing Crayons

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring

books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss

Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any

crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any

crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm

getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them

crayons?"

Q :How did Harry Potter ge

Q :How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
A: Walking......Jk,Rowling

The Vote for Heaven or Hell

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Piece of rope

“What did one piece of rope say to the other before going into battle? 'Shall we join the fray?'”

Doing the Rounds

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'
'Well, husband No 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband No 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
'Husband No 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
'Husband No 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order‚ he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
'Husband No 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the-art method.
'Husband No 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband No 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product‚ he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband No 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband No 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
'Husband No 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him. 'But now that I've married you; I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful' , said the husband, but why?
'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.

“I'm competing for t

“I'm competing for that stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.”

One For The Road

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she thinks that she is pregnant.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says. "Who did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A distinguished man with gray hair and dressed in a very expensive suit steps out and enters the house. He sits down in the living room with the girl's father and mother and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the situation. However, I can't marry her because of my wife and family but, I'll take care of my responsibility and will tell you this, that if a girl child is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory each and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you think I should do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have to do it again"