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Dogs Not On Computers
Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
- Fetch command not available on all platforms.
- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
- Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
- Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
- Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
- Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
- Too Hard To Type With Paws.
A Morningside teacher was taki...
A Morningside teacher was taking a lesson about Belgium. Pointing to a town on the map, she said: "Ostend."Who Gets the Collection Money?
A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usualWednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly
collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they
decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves
and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss
the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep
for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to
God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that
whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever
lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same
method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I
figure that whatever God wants, he can take."
“The farmer was surpr...
“The farmer was surprised when his pumpkin won a blue ribbon at the State Fair. He shouted, 'Oh, my gourd.'”
Today is Hallowe’en! I d...
Today is Hallowe’en! I don’t have a scare in the world.A man and his wife are awoken ...
A man and his wife are awoken at 3am by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push."Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stranger asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No I didn't – it's three in the morning"
"Well you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please," comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?"
"Over here on the swing."
Neil Sutton, Corstorphine
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