Popular jokes (20836 to 20850)

On their way to the seashore,

On their way to the seashore, a trainer and his talking dog were speeding along in a new sports car. A police car started after them.
"Pull over to the side," said the dog. "And when he gets here, let me do all the talking."

 Scary Collection 16

A Halloween joke
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties?
Because there is lots of school spirit!

A demon joke
What do foreign devils speak?
Devil Dutch!

A ghost joke
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres?
Surgical spirits!

A skeleton joke
What happened when the skeletons rode pogo sticks?
They had a rattling good time!

A skeleton joke
What do you call a skeleton who presses the door bell?
A dead ringer!

A werewolf joke
What happened when the wolf fell in the washing machine?
He became a wash and werewolf!

A witch joke
What does a witch get if she is a poor traveller?
Broom sick!

Assorted 1

What's the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?

You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?

Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?

Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?

Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?

Divorced.

Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?

He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?

Because they always dribble before they shoot.

Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?

He was destined to a life of DIY.

What are the three types of men?

The handsome,

the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?

Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?

A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a n*dist wedding?

You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?

Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?

Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.

What do you call a Spanish streaker?

Senor Willy.

Three Guy's In Hell

T...

Three Guy's In Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

Cindy, you have sinned ........

Pirate in a Bar

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "
Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.
"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

There's a lot of roads i...

There's a lot of roads in Carpathia.

Eye puns aren't really p

Eye puns aren't really puns. They're optical allusions.

Hilarious jokes-Hollywood bride

“I use yeast most of

“I use yeast most of the time when I am baking, and I always use it on the ryes.”

It's All in the Name

If your name is on the building, you’re rich...
If your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class...
If your name is on your shirt, you’re neither of the first two!

Big boy

An idiot heard that a fortune

An idiot heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job.
Foreman: "Okay sonny, but you'll have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow you're hired."
So, next day, the idiot gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day. However, when trees are counted the idiot only has 98...

"Oh well," says the foreman, "You'll get another chance tomorrow."
So, next day, same story, 99 trees.
"I don't believe this," says the foreman, "A big strong fella like yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what? You get one more chance, and I'll join you to show you the trick of it".
So, next day, the idiot and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice open spot the foreman puts the chainsaw on the ground, and starts the engine... Says the idiot: "What that? Where's the noise coming from?"

THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and ...

THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and Geoff, go for a picnic ten miles from home. It takes ten days to get there, and they find they've forgotten the bottle opener. Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it. "No way!" says Geoff. "When I go you'll eat my sandwiches."
They promise not to, so off Geoff goes.
Ten days pass, and he's not back. 20 days pass, and he's stll not back . . . Jim and Ray are starving, but still don't eat the sandwiches . . .
25 days pass and Ray says: "We'll starve if we dont eat!" So they start to eat the sandwiches.
Geoff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts: "I knew it, you liars! I'm not going now!"

A pain in the leg...

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

The Biology Song 01

Biology Christmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE DEFENCE
(or A Visit From Citrate)
Twas the night before defence, when all through te lab
Not a gel box was shaking, with stain or with MAb;
The columns were hung in the cold room with care,
In hopes that my protein, I soon could prepare;
The post-docs were nestled all smug in their beds,
While extracts of barley muddled their heads;
With the tech in the suburbs and PI the same,
I had just settled down to another video game.
When out of the fridge there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the terminal to see what was the matter.
Away to the cold box, I flew like a flash
But the stench was o'erpowering and I threw up beef hash.
The mould on the dampest of walls were cold
Had the softness of kittens only seven weeks old;
When what to my view, a thing I despise
But a half eaten sandwich and four tiny mice;
With a little old scientist, so lively and galling,
I knew at a glance was Linus Pauling.
More vapid than undergrads, his charges they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them rude names.
"Now, Watson! Now Francis! You strange little modellers!
On Luria! On Bertani! You stupid old broth'lers!
To the top of the bench, to the top of the wall!
Purify! Purify! Purify all!"
As dry heaves before the commitee meeting, bend
A young student's body and his colon distend,
So up their earlobes, acytes they grew,
With a sack full of antibodies, their skin turning blue.
And then, for a second, I heard from the 'fuge,
An unbalanced rotor spinning something too huge.
Where I put down my hand, to better hear the sound,
Came the snapping of sparks from a wire sans ground.
Pauling's hair was al wavy, and I thought I must be sick
`Cause the curls in his hair looked just like a helix.
On an arm load of oranges, he started to snack
An I recalled his fetish with citrate, the quack.
His eyes were all wrinkled, but the cheeks were yet red;
Not too shabby for a man who was several years dead;
The leer of his smile was just a tad scary
And the snow on his rooftop made his head yet quite hairy;
The end of a pipette, he held in his teeth
And a pile of kimwipes lay around his big feet.
He held a small vial of something quite gel-ly,
A mercaptan no doubt, for it make him quite smelly.
He changed `round the columns, adding to the confusion
And I laughed to spite my own paranoid delusion.
A wink of his eye and a rotation of his head,
Told me whatever I drank would soon leave me dead.
He spoke not a word, just buggered up my work,
And dried all my resins, that silly old jerk.
And separating his middle finger from first, fourth and third,
That crazy, old bugger, just flipped me the bird.
He grabbed up his cohorts and ran down the hall,
And away they all flew, letting me take the fall.
That is why, dear Commitee, I am sorry to say,
I need a five year extension, starting today.