Popular jokes (31531 to 31545)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Missing School
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.“Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.”
Secretary at high school answered, “I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?”
“This is my mother.”
Blonde gets haircut
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"
You Might Be A Redneck If 04
You might be a redneck if...
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
This is the last joke of ...
This is the last joke of the day, but not the last “fun” thing I will post to my blog.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde worked as office assistants for Mrs. Jessell. They realized that Mrs. Jessell was leaving work early every day, so one day they decided that when she left early, they'd sneak out a few minutes later. Minutes after Mrs. Jessell left, they all did the same. The brunette took a nap. The redhead got ready for a date. The blonde went over to her boyfriends house. When she walked in, she saw Mrs. Jessell and her boyfriend smooching on the couch. She backed out the door without them noticing her, feeling very shaky. The next afternoon, after Mrs. Jessell left work early, the brunette and redhead said they were going to go home as well. But the still shaky blond decided to stay behind. “Why?” they asked her. “Because,” she replied, “yesterday I almost got caught.”
Q: What do you give a guy with...
Q: What do you give a guy with a machete for his birthday?A: I don't know. Just hope he likes it.
If t...
If the group included a garbage man, they would have been the Swillage People. Their music was trashy anyway.Hari Kondabolu: Environment Issue Magazine
I was on a plane recently; I was reading the in-flight magazine. The in-flight magazine for that particular trip was an environmental issue. I was reading about the environment while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.AOL Support Call
AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online
before I join.
AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?
Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get
something called "cybersex". Does this cost extra?
AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am... I
don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of
America Online.
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go
to a chat room.
Caller: Hmmmm . . . I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to
be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead . . .
Caller: What are you wearing?
AOL:
In Too Deep
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open your legs a little wider".
She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?"
He says "no, I'm trying to get them out."
The Biggest Loser: All Fem...
The Biggest Loser: All Female Edition is now on Broadweigh.God was talking to Adam and Ev...
God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done.Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam raises his hand and yells "Me, Me, pick me!!" So God obliged.
God looks at Eve and says - "Well, sorry Eve... but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."
Sea Sickness...
Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.
Mistress, prostitue.
What is the difference between a mistress, a prostitute, and a wife?The mistress says, "Are you through yet?"
The prostitute says, "Are you through already?"
The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Curtis and calamjo
