Popular jokes (31801 to 31815)

Jill: Have you noticed that I'...

Jill: Have you noticed that I've been on a crash diet? Jack: Oh, is that why you look like a wreck?

Sexual sofa

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by curtis

A professor at the University

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, noone has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Bubba, tell us what it's like having sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shit! From way back there I thought you said goats!"

Answering Machine Message 214

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

What is the most tired part of...

What is the most tired part of a car?

Little Johnny was in church wi...

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.

"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door.

Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, Mom.

Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: 'FOR THE SICK'

Did you hear about the man who...

Did you hear about the man who got lost in thought? He was in unfamiliar territory.

The Chaufffeur

T...

The Chaufffeur

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."

Chief: "What sort of problem?"

Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."

Chief: "Important like the mayor?"

Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."

Chief: "Important like the governor?"

Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."

Chief: "Like the President?"

Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."

Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"

Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"

A New York family bought a ran...

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. 
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"None have survived the branding."

Economy jokes-Pessimistic women

Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy than Men?

A: Because men are in charge of the economy!

One day, an employee received ...

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

“How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”

Jon Dore: Old Garbage Pail

Have you ever tried to throw out an old garbage pail? Cant be done. For the last month, Ive had it out there every single week and the garbage men dont get it. I even put a sign on it, garbage. What do I got to do, put it in another garbage pail? No, not going to do that.

Knock Knock Collection 020

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Austin!
Austin who?
Austin corrected!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avenue!
Avenue who?
Avenue head the good news!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axl!
Axl who?
Axl me nicely and I might just tell you!

Colonel Kurtz took a lot of measures to discipline his soldiers. In fact he spear-headed every one.

#joke #short

These are from a book called D...

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.