Popular jokes (4831 to 4845)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Chuck Norris once leaned again...
Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.Heart Attack
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."
Loud Train
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
The way to achieve true inner peace
Sir Bedevere:
'Now, why do witches burn?'
Peasant:
'...because they're made of... wood?'
Sir Bedevere:
'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?'
Peasant 2:
'Build a bridge out of her.'
From Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Picture: Rex Features
Catching Cows
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
When you
When you become really close to someone, you can hear their voice in your head when you read their texts. HAPPY July the 1st, international JOKES day!
HAPPY July the 1st, international JOKES day! The New Serenity Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.Help me to always give 100% at work…
12% on Monday.
23% on Tuesday.
40% on Wednesday.
20% on Thursday.
5% on Friday.
And help me to remember…When I'm having a really bad day,and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4…to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me! Amen.
One night a teenage girl broug...
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
The very high health care costs
Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them. In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.
Gary and Martin were standing...
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Shoot!" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
The brightest dog
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. “The brightest dog I ever had,” said one, “was a Great Dane that used to play cards. He was great at poker, but finally a friend complained about him and I had to get rid of him.”
“You got rid of him, a bright dog like that?” exclaimed his friend. “A dog like that would be worth millions.”
“Had to,” the first man replied. “I caught him cheating.”
KZ Country Cheesy Joke of the Day
