Popular jokes (4831 to 4845)

Sheng Wang: Designated Driver

The epitaph

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.

This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add, 'Till We Meet Again.'"

found on http://www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net/2008/12/ , posted on 27. Dec 2008

Approval of the Family

When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.

Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.

I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Twisted people i know

Dumb Horse

A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."

Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."

Getting Old

You know your getting old...
When your son's hair is turning gray.

Knock Knock Collection 026

The elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.

The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out...

The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

Two Roaches Discussion

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Rectum

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.

"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"

"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

Pee in Church

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Quote of the Day

Wandering Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doct...

Photographic Evidence

A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.