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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1756 to 1770)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1756 to 1770. |
Bed wetting problem
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor.The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.
When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.
She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.
The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
The sacrifice....
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Cleaner Polishes Off Patients
This is true story from the newspaperThe Cape Times (South Africa):
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a
patient dead in
the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the
Pelonomi Hospital
(Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and
extensive checks on
the air conditioning system, and a search for possible
bacterial infection,
failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries
have now revealed
the cause of these deaths...
"It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would
enter the ward,
remove the plug that powered the patient's life support
system, plug her
floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her
business. When
she
had finished her chores, she would plug the life support
machine back
in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She
could not, after
all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the
whirring of her
polisher".
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner
in question.
Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is
arranging for an
electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no
repetition of
this
incident. The inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times)
The headline of the newspaper story was,
"Cleaner Polishes Off Patients"
Delivery....
In the back woods, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Being the boss...
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
Hillbilly in Hospita
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know any thing that's going on."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man.
"He don't know nothing now."
The teacher in Johnny's s...
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
The mural...
Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.
The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.
While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:
"Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"
"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"
Chronic Laziness
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all thethings around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?"
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just
lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
Sister Mary Ann
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."
Follow in my footsteps...
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A man gets a phone call from h...
A man gets a phone call from his doctor who tells him that he has great and horrible news to share with him.“What is the great news,” asks the man.
“You have 24 hours to live!”
“Oh no! Then what is the bad news?”
“I forgot to call and tell you this yesterday.”
Doctor Doctor Collection 04
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?
