Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1771 to 1785)

Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

The loving wife...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

A doctor, a lawyer, a little b...

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A man walks into a doctor's su...

A man walks into a doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

Birth control pills....

An elderly woman went into the doctorÂ’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "IÂ’d like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youÂ’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughterÂ’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

A man goes to his doctor and s...

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area. ''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?'' ''Lipstick remover.''

A brunette goes to the doctor,...

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."

"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"

"No I'm a blonde", she replies.

"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

Brain For Sale

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Doctor, take a look at me......

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

The Vet Bill

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, Im sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, Im sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too.
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, $650.
$650 to tell me my dog is dead? exclaims the man.
Well, the vet replies, I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.

Morris, an 82 year-old man, we...

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'

Shot To The Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
On a woman, the doctor said, your heart would be just below your left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Sleep Troubles

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

Couple in their nineties are b...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically
okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
write
it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says,

'Where's the toast ?'

Hospital regulations require a...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found
one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with
a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave
the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the lift.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.'