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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1396 to 1410)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1396 to 1410. |
Free advice at social affairs?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A family went to a hospital, w...
A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant.One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?"
The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000."
The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?"
"Well," the doctor replied, the female brain is less because it has been used."
Old Man
old man goes to the doctors to find out wats wrong with his wife, he,s nearly stone deaf and the doctor says to him, your wife has a sufisticated fanny, and if she had a baby it would be a mirricle. the old man says thank you to the doctor and goes home. His wife said well what did he say? He said you have a fishcake up your fanny and if you have a baby it will be a mackeral.Brother -in-law
A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he has money in the bank.
He replied "No money in the bank."
The nun asked " Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun, slightly preturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The Problem
Contributed by Karen Mulhollem
My wife and I decided to start a family soon after we got to my first regular duty station in Hawaii. When months went by without success, we decided to consult a physician at the huge hospital down by Pearl Harbor.
When the doctor came in, he chose to examine her right then and there.
"Please disrobe," he told my wife.
"With him in the room??" she blushed, pointing at me.
Turning to me, the doctor said, "Lieutenant, I think I found the problem."
The Perscription
Contributed by Roy MacArthur
The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: �Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".
The patient�s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"
Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"
An HMO Manager Goes to Heaven. . .
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
Texas
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
“Say, is this really a healthy place?”
“It sure is,” the man replied.
“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
The Doctor & The Mechanic
Contributed by Perry Woods
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make so much more when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...
'Try doing it with the engine running'.
Young patient
My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15 year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up.
After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and said, “Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses.”
The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. “Tell him,” he replied, “they're absolutely gorgeous!”
Source: Good Clean Fun
Cured!
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for tendollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A Royal Pain in the ...
A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"
The Sponge
In the doctors office two patients are talking.“You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake.”
“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “Does it hurt much?”
“No…no pain at all,” says the first, “but…boy, do I get thirsty!”
