Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1411 to 1425)

Really funny jokes-In case of emergency

A Spanish guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.
A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.
"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"
"You mean if I become very sick?"
"Well . . . yes."
"If that happens, call a doctor!"

Doctor and patient...

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

10 Reasons Why God Created Eve...

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As 'Keeper of the Garden' Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone.' He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...

When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, 'I KNOW I can do better than THIS!!'

A man walked into a doctor's o...

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A man walked into a doctor's o...

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A young woman goes to her doct...

A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young womans legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.

The young woman blushes and says, "Why yes I am." The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, "Don't worry your rash will go away." The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, "Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real."

Shingles...

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Life choices...

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"

His pediatrician asked six-yea...

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads...
" Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

A new miracle doctor was in to...

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

John Mulaney: Blacking Out

I had a problem because I was blacking out all the time. And I went and I talked to my doctor, and he said, Its not that you drink too much, its just that after a couple of major blackouts, you blackout easier and easier after that. So, I would just have a couple of drinks, and my brain would be like, OK, I see where this is headed. Were just going to power down now and get restarted sometime tomorrow morning.

The little man...

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

While getting a checkup, a man...

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer, and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is."

About a month later, the same guy is at the doctor again, and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?”

The man says "yes."

"How close did you get before she answered?"

"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away, she just turned around and said, "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"

The State Employee Handbook

SICK DAYS

You will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink the Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right were you needed to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases were employee involvement is necessary, that funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilet. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the toilet door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Thank you, The Governor