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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1426 to 1440)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1426 to 1440. |
A doctor is complaining to a mechanic...
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.""Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
Routine physical
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“Oh, about 165.” he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?”
“Oh, about six feet,” he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
“High!” The man explains, “Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!”
Medical Emergency on the Golf Course
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green whenshe collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need
help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little
while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line
up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm
may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who
said he come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking
his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
Medical student wisdom
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I'd limp too.”
A nurse from England was on du...
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing, which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Old Age Humor
OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six
OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop
OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
OLD EDITORS do it with a red pen
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
A Collection Of Insults
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
Annual physical...
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
Types of People You Meet in th...
Types of People You Meet in the WashroomExcitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
Sociable: Joins friend in piss whether he has to go or not.
Crosseyed: Looks into left urinal, pisses into one in center, flushes one on right.
Nosy: Looks into next urinal to see how guy is fixed.
Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he has already used it.
Indifferent: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
Clever: No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately, makes quick inspection.
Absentminded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
Disgruntled: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
Sneak: Farts silently while leaking, sets very innocent, knows man next to him will be blamed.
Childish: Leaks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads paper with free hand.
Desperate: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
Efficient: Waits till he has to crap, then does both at the same time.
Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Fat: Has to back up and take long shot at the urinal, misses, and pisses on shoes.
Little: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
Radical: Ignores urinal, pisses on wall.
A pregnant woman gets into a c...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Funny Humor About The Irish
This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.
"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."
To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"
Matt Braunger: Medical Marijuana Dispensaries
Its incredibly easy to get. People go to those dispensaries, and they have a laundry list of ailments to give to those doctors that will just sign off on anything. You can pretty much go in there and go, Um, I intermittently blink all day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I have to pee. And scary movies scare me. You need pot, here, take it. 
