Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1441 to 1455)

Ed Zachary

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'

So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I

ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'

Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse’

Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost

in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to

locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new

fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to

buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,

dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the

garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would

never be able to

handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember

where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on

when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,

scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

At the doctor

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the outer office, my name was finally called. When I got into the examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, “I need to get your weight today.”

I immediately replied, “One hour and 5 minutes.”

A Young Farm Couple

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office..
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

Urologist Appointment

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.
I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?
I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

Not older...just better....

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Growing penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

When Chuck Norris was born, th...

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Immaculate Miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"
The doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"

While walking to the ninth hol...

While walking to the ninth hole, one psychiatrist said to his colleague, would you believe that yesterday I had a patient who claimed he heard music every time he put on his hat?”
“Really? What did you do?”
The psychiatrist answered, “I took it away and removed the band.”

Cured...

A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren... and you told her she was pregnant?"

The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Embarrassing Compulsion...

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

Six months later, the man was back.

"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

4 out of 5 doctors fail to rec...

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

An elderly couple is beginning...

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'