The best jokes (4321 to 4335)

I just finished building a car using...

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine. I'm going to take it for a spin later.

After waiting more than an hou...

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.
There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late, and you're still not ready?"

A man was sitting on the edge

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking atherself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked whatshe'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. Onthe morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl ofLucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! Heput her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, theScreaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hourslater they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reelingand her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal withextra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favoritecandy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with herhusband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dresssize, you dumb ass!"

An older couple were lying in

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

A young man was walking throug

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Harold and Al were on a small...

Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don't Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."

A Dog's Life

I don't know why most people think a dog's life is so easy.
Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went.
He always says, "Rough!"

Productivity

I'm great at multi-tasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

An American woman of 40 wants

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Marriage

Q: Daddy, why are all those cars beeping their horns?
A: Because they were just at a wedding.
Q: Don’t we beep the horn as a warning signal, Daddy?
A: Exactly, son.

Funniest Joke of The Fringe of year 2019 + nine shortlisted

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower'-I think I might have florets.

Author: Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel.

The Winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" of year 2019 - award with the niche culinary pun.

 

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here the rest of nine are:

 

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"-Richard Stott

"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith

"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford

"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons

"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

Photo credit: Alan Powdrill – www.alanpowdrill.com

 Arriving Home Very Drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Do Not Bend

A man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A kid asks his dad...

A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

Miss Jones had been giving her

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."