The best jokes (4306 to 4320)

Don't Put Off Till Tomorrow

I'm kind of tired of being an amateur crastinater...
I'm thinking of turning pro, but I'm going to put that decision off for awhile.

 Bumper Stickers 21

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )

 Question And Answer Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

Dracula friends

Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Because he's a pain in the neck.

Atheist observed his plight

“When the atheist observed his plight he realized he didn't have a prayer.”

Face or Bill

What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on their face and the other has their face on a bill.

Trainload Crash

A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

Two Words

First grade teacher: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is 'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"
Rachel: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

Tim Conway's Elephant Story

 

Meditation

I recently took up meditation

It's certainly better than sitting around doing nothing.

Posted by TooCoolToSocialize

Two men staggered into the pub

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," his pal replied.

The bartender asks the guy sit

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

 Blind Question And Answer Jokes

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

Nosey Neighbors

I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer...
I saw it clearly through my binoculars!

Cheating Husband
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Cheating Husband
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"