The best jokes (4291 to 4305)

A mother and her young inquisi...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

There was this guy at a bar, j...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

An engineer dies and reports t...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

What's Wrong Doc?

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

I'm Working

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
He said: “Working from home.”

my dad

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

After the christening of his b...

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you
guys."

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) ar...

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers " Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob; "How about Viagra"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them."

There was a woman who had a do...

There was a woman who had a dog that snored. She called her vet to find out if there was anything that would stop the snoring. The vet suggested that she tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles. So, she went to her sewing basket, found a length of ribbon and tied it around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring.

Later that evening, her husband came home drunk, fell into the bed and immediately went to sleep. In his slumber, he began to snore.

"Well," she thought, "if it worked for the dog, it might just work for him." With that, she went to her sewing basket and retrieved another length of ribbon. She tied it around her husband's testicles and sure enough, he stopped snoring.

During the night, the husband got up to go to the bathroom. As he passed the mirror, he notice the blue ribbon tied around him. He looked over at the dog and noticed a red ribbon tied around the dog.

"Well, boy, I don't know where we've been but we won first and second place."

A police officer sees a man dr...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Why can't you hear rabbits mak...

Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.

Apple Does It Again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A farmer walked into a bar and...

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviouslyupset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonnahave to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flickingher tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing wentand kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out fromunderneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

Chemistry Song 01

Chemistry Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas,

The lab was quite still;

Not a Bunsen was burning

(Nor had they the will).

The test tubes were placed

In their racks with great care,

In hopes Father Chemistry

Soon would be there.


The students were sleeping

So sound in their dorms,

All dreaming of fluids

And Crystalline forms.

Lab-Aids in their aprons

And I in my smock.


When outside the lab

There arose such a roar

I leaped from my stool

And fell flat on the floor.

Out ot the fire escape

All of us flew.

What was the commotion?

Not one of knew.


The flood-lights shone out

O're the campus so bright

It looked like old Stockholm

On Nobel Prize Night.

My fume-blinded eyes

Then viewed (dare I say?)

Eight anions pulling

A water-trough sleigh.


And holding the bonds

Tied to each one of them

Was a figure I knew

As our own Papa Chem.

With speeds in excess

Of most X-rays they came.

As they Dopplered along

He called each one by name.


"Now Nitrite, now Phosphate,

Now Borate, now Chloride

On Citrate, on Bromate,

On Sulfite and Oxide.


Forget what you know

Of that randomness stuff,

Let's go straight to that roof,

If you've quanta enough."


As fluids Bernoullian

Behave in a pinch,

Those ions said "Alchemist

This is a cinch."

So up to the lab-roof

Those "chargers" they sped

With Pop Chemistry safe

In his water-trough sled.


Just a microsec later

Electroscopes showed

Charged particles coming

To our lab abode

We raced back inside,

And what d'ya think?

Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,

Right into the sink.


He was dressed in a lab-coat,

Quite ragged and old,

With removable buttons

(The style, we're told)

A tray-full of beakers

He clutched to his heart--

And under his arm

Was an orbital chart.


His eyes through his goggles

I just couldn't see

His hands were all yellow

From H-N-O-3.

His head was quite bald

With a fringe all around

Like a ring test for iron,

That same shade of brown.


He puffed a cigar

With a smell not at all

Unlike the organic lab

Right down the hall.

The smoke billowed forth

From his angular face

And with Brownian Movement

Enveloped the place.


He was thin as a match

And not terribly tall

He wasn't the type

I'd expected at all

But a look at his clothes,

In the lab's harsh white light,

With their acid-burn holes--

He's a chemist all right!


He didn't say much

(He had no time to kill)

And filled all the test tubes

With nary a spill.

Then placing them bak

On the benches with care

He dashed to the fume-hood

And rose through the air.


He called to his team

And his ions took off

And kinetics took care

Of Pop Chem and his trough,

But I heard him cry out

As he flew down the street

"Merry Holidays to all!

May your stockrooms stay neat!"