The best jokes (6331 to 6345)

Tell Me Stories

Tom to his mom: 'Mom, please tell me a story?'
Mom: 'Sorry, honey, I don't have any new stories to tell. But you should ask your dad why he was late coming home today. He will then tell you some amazing stories.'

 

A British Army colonel was rev

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

Electricians go with...

“Electricians go with the flow, never against the current!”

Ted walks into a bar and shout...

Ted walks into a bar and shouts out, "So... who's the strongest person in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I am the strongest person around these parts!"
Ted politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

If College Students Wrote The Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font. A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov. Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.

A Talk Between God and Adam

GOD said: 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
“Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?”
“Go down into the valley.”
“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.
God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”
“What’s a river?”
God explained it to him, and then continued: “Go over the hill.”
“What's a hill?”
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”
“What?’s a cave?”
After God explained, he said: “In the cave, you will find a woman.”
Adam asked, “What?’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him too. He continued: “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?”
“Jeez!” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.
Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.
A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…  What’s a headache?”

Guess Who's On t he Radio? From the Blonde Files

Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my Blonde wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice.
I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.
'You won't believe this,' she said, 'but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!'

“Old English teachers

“Old English teachers never die - they just parse away.”

Author: Well, the upshot of it

Author: Well, the upshot of it was, that after ten years, I realized I had absolutely no talent for writing.
Friend: So, you gave up?
Author: No, I couldn't. By then, I was too famous.

Don't Wake your Neighbors!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

Who's Art in Heaven?

"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike."Art who?" asked the boy's mother."Art in heaven," came the reply.

An overweight blonde consulted...

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

A man working with an electric...

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

Man1: I am going to be a fathe...

Man1: I am going to be a father.
Man2: Your wife should be happy now I guess.
Man1: The problem is she doesn't know about it.

“A female skunk is a

“A female skunk is a stinker belle.”