The best jokes (6391 to 6405)

Paintings

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Game Plan

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me,...
So from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller!

The Last Quarter

The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!

The young fellow is about to m

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

The following list of phrases

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"It has long been known..."
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident..."
These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions..."
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..."
The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown..."
This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report..."
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience..."
Once.
"In case after case..."
Twice.
"In a series of cases..."
Thrice.
"It is believed that..."
I think.
"It is generally believed that..."
A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis..."
Rumor has it.
"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance
of these findings..."
A really wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data..."
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required
before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs..."
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"After additional study by my colleagues..."
They don't understand it either.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study..."
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field..."
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

A visitor from Holland was cha

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

This Town Ain't Big Enough

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided...
If cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone!

I Couldn't Look At Another Man

After he died, I couldn't even look at another man for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

When I Die

I said to my wife: "When I die I'd like to die having sex."
She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

National Dolphin Day Jokes

Today is National Dolphin Day! Find a joke about it!

Why don't dolphins play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net!

What is a dolphin’s favourite TV programme?
Whale of fortune!

What does a dolphin ask when he doesn't understand?
Can you be more Pacific?!

How do dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!

#worlddolphinday

After a hard day's work,

After a hard day's work, Osama bin Laden likes to relax by applying ointments and a soothing bomb.

Lazy Lady

I'm really good at being lazy...
In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy, I should expect a-trophy.

You Can't Make This Up

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg...
I thought, "This could be interesting."

My girlfriend complained

My girlfriend complained I never took her anywhere, so we went to the Grand Canyon so she felt valley dated.

7 new jokes for a good start of the week

I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass!

Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted.

I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!

My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer!

Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor.

I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.

I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.