The best jokes (691 to 705)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 691 to 705. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Broccoli
A man was stocking produce at the grocery store when a woman approached, asking, "Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't seem to find it."
He replied, "I apologize, ma'am, we're out of broccoli today. We'll have more tomorrow morning."
Resuming his work, he was arranging oranges when the same woman tapped his shoulder and inquired again, "Where's the broccoli? Do you have any?"
He patiently responded, "No, ma'am, we're still out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning."
Moments later, the woman confronted him once more, demanding, "Why can't I find any broccoli? Where is it?"
The man said, "Please indulge me for a moment. How do you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophic'?"
She answered, "C-A-T."
He continued, "How do you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
She replied, "D-O-G."
Then he asked, "How do you spell 'fu*k' as in 'broccoli'?"
Puzzled, she said, "There is no 'fu*k' in broccoli."
He exclaimed, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"
Ex-wife jokes
my ex-wife still misses me
but her aim is getting better!
i tried to remarry my ex wife
she figured I was only after my money
I swapped my wife's lipstick with super glue
She's still not talking to me
Amateur Autopsy Club
I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined...
Wednesday is open Mike night!
If I Had A Dollar
If I had a dollar for every time someone tells me to grow up...
I could build the coolest tree house ever!
8 short dad jokes to make you laugh
mom:Do you think we’re made of money?
daughter: Isn’t that what MOM stands for?
I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like!
In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery.
It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers.
So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn’t laugh either.
It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My mum told me that I can’t drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.
Painting lines
A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road, so the boss gives him a big can of paint, a brush and sends him out... At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed. At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off. At the end of the third day, the painter reports that he did 400 yards. The boss says, "That's quite a difference from the first day." The painter replies, "Yeah, well it's a lot longer walk back to the paint can now." Politician's Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.
He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.
"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
All Dressed Up
When a strip club isn't open there should be a sign that reads:
"Sorry, We're Clothed!"
Who Needs A Parachute
You do not need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes
Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.
Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle
What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.
What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!
How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."
What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.
What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.
What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.
Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.
How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!
What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.
What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.
I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope
Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws
It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.
Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.
Anniversary Gift
She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"
He: "A trip to Thailand."
She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.
He: "That's when I come back to get you."
Turnaround is fair play
A man at a crowded bar spotted a beautiful young and unaccompanied woman and asked her if he could buy her a drink. “A motel?” she loudly replied. “What, no, I just wanted to buy you a drink!” She forcefully protested, “What, you want me to go to a motel with you?” With faces focused on him, the man, extremely embarrassed, retreated to a corner table.Later, the woman came up to him and said that she is a psychiatry major at school, and was playing a part to see how the other patrons would react to a man treating her as if she was a prostitute. To which, the man, in a commanding voice, said, “Yes, that’s right, 300 dollars for one hour.”
A gang of pirates find themselves shipwrecked on the beach
Luckily there's a harbor near by and the captain heads in to barter for goods. Naturally the captain seeks out the first merchant who is selling booze and requests his finest bottle of rum.
Upon returning the crew is aghast. "All you came back with is a lousy bottle of rum"? Aye boys the merchant says to me this here's a magic bottle of rum. No matter how much yee drink it never goes dry. "You fool!!! He hoodwinked you. There's no such as a magic bottle of rum"! Ah well, no matter, alls I traded him was a ship that'll never sink.
Unique Species
What is unique about Humans?
Humans are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
