The best jokes (676 to 690)

The madam opened the brothel d

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

Shrinking Clothes

“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

The Preacher and the Frog Princess

An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”

Absolute Rest

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."
"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."
"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

Old Memories

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around.
They said no and slammed the door in my face!
Parents can be real jerks.

Say Again?

Husband and wife were having a discussion about their in-laws. The wife declares that she "hates" her in-laws.
The husband replies, "I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine!"

My Grandson Is A Genius

I'm beginning to think my five year old grandson is a genius...
I can't tell his paintings from that of Picasso!

Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Restless Little Girl

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

She Told Me To Leave

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave.
As I was headed out the door, she said, "I hope you live a long and lonely life!”
I replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

Carpet My Steps

I told the carpenter not to carpet my steps…
He gave me a blank stair.

Fortune telling

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says: "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic: "Next semester, in her biology class."

Trying to Please Mama

The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration. "I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?”"Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.”"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”"Mom, I’m going to the president. I can get you the food you need.”"But how will I get there?”"I’ll send a limo, Mom. Just come!”"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future cabinet members. She nudged the man on her right. “See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”

I Raced A Prius

A Prius just tried to race me at the light...
I totally had it for the first 100 meters, but I can only walk so fast.