The best jokes (7111 to 7125)

Greg Giraldo: How Cleavage Works

This friend of mine told me, Yeah, I dress this way to attract a guy, but I want to attract the right guy. I dont want to attract every slob on the street. Thats how cleavage works. Its not a smart bomb. Its not a laser-guided weapon. You might hit your target; theres also going to be a lot of collateral damage. You might hit the guy in the Porsche. Youre also going to hit the guy with one tooth driving by on the bus.

Dane Cook: Hardwood Floors

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step youre like, Cheeeeater! Liar! Herpes, herpes, herpes!

Max and Ernie are playing racq...

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt.

"My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

Computers are like air conditi...

Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

Beyond the Call of Duty

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."

Slot machines

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

“Excuse me,” I said to a casino employee. “How does this work?”

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

“And where does the money come out?” I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, “Usually at the ATM.”

Funny jokes-Romantic Gorilla

Which birds are most religious...

Which birds are most religious? Geeses of Nazereth.

You know it is time to reasses...

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

A seven-year-old girl barges i...

A seven-year-old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a shower.

"Daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia.

"Oh, uhhmm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied.

"Well, it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back.

Brigadiers li...

Brigadiers like imprisoning Bambi?

Funny jokes-Painting job

The gaping wound in my arm mak...

The gaping wound in my arm makes me want to kill myself. I have suicidal tendon sees.

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos an...

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

Who Says Men Arn't Sensitive

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."